


I'm not afraid

by dollalpaca



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Fluff, Mutual Pinning, childhood bestfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:02:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28345827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dollalpaca/pseuds/dollalpaca
Summary: Even after all these years, it should surprise her that her feelings for Jan are still intact, but it doesn't, not really.Or, Jan and Jackie, throughout the years.
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Comments: 10
Kudos: 30





	I'm not afraid

**Author's Note:**

> this is a translation poorly looked over from my fic of the same name. for mar, as part of a songfic exchange - it's highly reccommend you listen to "Long Live" by Taylor Swift, as it's the general vibe of the fic.

_Jackie arrives in the middle of the school year, and can barely say a word when she stands in front of the class and the teacher asks her to introduce herself. The mischievous giggles from her new classmates make her want to run back home and beg her mother to go back to Canada. Beg her to let her go back to her old school with her friends and teachers, go back to her routine of knocking on Julia's door and riding their bikes to school together, meeting the others along the way._

_Instead, she just sits in a vacant seat near the end of the room, and prays that no one speaks to her for the rest of the class._

_Much to her bad luck (or good, depends on how you see it), not two minutes pass when the girl sitting next to her touches her shoulder to get her attention._

_“My name is Janice, nice to meet you,” she introduces herself, giving her an ear-to-ear grin with one tooth missing, and Jackie smiles involuntarily._

_And the rest is history._

* * *

“Do you ever feel, y’know,” Jan says, anxiously swinging her legs on the edge of the back of the truck, avoiding Jackie's gaze, “scared of the future?”

Jackie looks at her, studying her turbulent expression with a clenched jaw, and decides this isn’t the time to ask questions.

“Yes,” she confesses in a whisper, “college scares me like you have no idea.” She looks back at the city, the night wind ruffling her hair slightly. The lights come to life in the small town at night, resembling a starry sky, creating a beautiful sight if you have good seats.

But even so, with such beauty before her, Jackie can't help but glance at Jan out of the corner of her eye.

Jan laughs vaguely, but Jackie knows her, and detects the sadness in her tone. Her gaze is still lost in the city lights, avoiding Jackie's curious gaze.

“Honestly? I'm not afraid of college, many say I should, but I feel prepared, so I don't think it's that bad,” she says, sounding like Jan for a second, like the Jan Jackie has known since freshman year. But she quickly leaves again. “It's just— it's just that I'm afraid of adulthood. Because adulthood is _bad_ , no matter who you ask.” She runs her palm over her face, sighing heavily, and Jackie only manages to hug her around the waist.

They are silent for a moment; what's there to say? They've had this conversation many times, when time started to run out and their last first day of high school was just around the corner. Now their graduation is in less than twenty-four hours, and neither knows how to feel about it.

They are only seventeen years old, they’re not even legally allowed to drink, and yet they have to choose a career to dedicate their lives to, leave the city that saw them grow up, and travel a world away to fulfill their dreams.

(Well, not _really_ a world away, but for Jan, moving from New Jersey to Toronto sure feels like it.)

These are big decisions, and Jan couldn't even choose whether she wanted to be a cheerleader or captain of the soccer team—so she chose both. Sometimes when she questions her decision out loud, when she thinks Jackie isn't listening, she feels a sharp pinch on her arm before Jackie scolds her again, saying she'll be a great theater student.

“You'll be on Broadway before you know it, and I can finally get something out of our friendship,” she says to cheer her up, and it always works.

Well, Jackie _thinks_ it works.

She says those exact words again, followed by a kiss on the temple. Jan just sighs, grabs Jackie's hand and squeezes it, and mutters something she can't understand.

“Do you wanna help me buy a nice frame for our prom photo?” Jan asks when the silence lasts for a second too long. “I made a collage of my favorite photos, but our prom photo deserves its own frame.” She smiles a little, settling into her arms, and Jackie laughs softly.

Jan, to no one's surprise, was voted prom queen. Her purple dress and radiant smile matched the plastic crown whose sentimental value exceeded its monetary value, and she begged the photographer the school had hired to take one more picture of her with Jackie—with whom she had danced the king and queen waltz, for the king had preferred to dance with his girlfriend.

She didn’t mind, really. Jan wasn't that interested in him either; she was only interested in having a good time with Jackie.

And so, the photo of the two of them in their prom dresses, Jan with her silver crown and purple dress and bright smile, Jackie in her green dress and hair in a meticulous braid with a shy smile, turned into Jan's favorite photo.

“Buy a blank one and decorate it however you want, that's what my mom does,” she proposes, feeling a warmth spread through her chest.

At the same time, she tries to ignore the emptiness she feels when she imagines a life without Jan, without her spontaneous messages inviting her to come to her house to watch movies, without going to her band's concerts every Saturday in the same old bar, without seeing her every morning and wondering how she can be so happy so early.

She had been so naive to believe they would be together forever.

Jan nods, and the conversation drifts to different topics, until hours after the sun has set, they decide to go back to their respective homes and try to sleep before graduation. Jan climbs up the tree in front of the bathroom window and Jackie tries not to make that much noise when she parks her mother’s car into the garage.

Nothing special. They are used to climbing trees and falling from windows just to spend time with each other.

And Jackie knows it will be a habit hard to forget.

* * *

_“Are you sure this is healthy?” Jackie asks, with a tinge of concern, when Jan tells her about her “infallible” plan to be head cheerleader and soccer team captain._

_“You're part of the hockey team and captain of the debate team,” Jan tries to argue, while practicing her stretches. The grass in the backyard tickles her exposed skin, and the weather is particularly cool for a summer day._

_Jackie raises an eyebrow. “Yeah, but the debate team isn't a sport,” she says, setting aside her history book. Jan does a Split, exclaiming a_ ta-da _while smiling triumphantly._

_She claps at Jan's request, and laughs a little when Jan repeats that the teachers never said it’s not possible to join two sports at the same time, so she has every right to audition for both once the school year begins._

_“And what will you do when the cheerleaders have to animate one of your games?” Jackie asks, amused. Jan usually doesn't think much before speaking, and this is no exception._

_“Well, you will take my place and cheer for me, of course, and I will dedicate all my goals to you,” she says dreamily, not realizing what she’s saying, and when she looks back at Jackie, whose cheeks are slightly flushed, she doesn't understand her reaction._

_It takes a little while for her to figure it out, and even as she does, she decides that it’s surely nothing._

* * *

Toronto has a pace faster than her small town in New Jersey, that's for sure, but it's nothing she’s ever been unfamiliar with. She still remembers a handful of the streets and her favorite places as a child, muttering their names under her breath as if it were a spell to bring back happy memories.

When she gets settled in her dorm, she calls Jan, just as she had promised when they said goodbye at the airport. Jackie barely breathes between sentences and Jan only speaks to remind her to breathe and to make comments on the decor on her side of the dorm.

Jan doesn't say much besides that, letting Jackie talk for hours, just happy to hear the smile in her tone. She can almost see her pacing from here to there, holding the photos and posters against the wall, deciding where they look best, overthinking each and every decoration in order to ignore the growing anxiety in the pit of her stomach when she remembers that the school year starts in less than a week.

She doesn't say it, but she's sure Jackie senses it. They know each other better than anyone.

And because they know each other better than anyone, Jan wonders if Jackie knows that she has trouble sleeping since she left, that she wants to talk to her all day long like before, that she _swears_ she sees her everywhere, especially in places that they used to frequent together, and that the lights of the city are no longer as beautiful if she’s not there to contemplate them with her.

Maybe she knows, maybe she doesn't. Jan doesn’t plan on telling her and worry her when she has so much going on in her life.

When they hang up, Jan tells her she loves her. She has said it a thousand times before, but this time he feels different; she says it softly and under her breath, like someone who confesses their sins. If Jackie notices something different, she doesn't say it, and wishes her good night as always.

In that moment, as a pang of pain goes through her heart, Jan realizes that she _loves_ Jackie.

* * *

_Jan has her first date at fourteen. Jackie frowns when she tells her._

_“Why didn't you tell me you like Ryan?” She asks, sounding more offended than she really is._

_Jan raises an eyebrow, confused. “I don't like Ryan.”_

_Jackie blinks, not understanding what she means._

_“Why did you agree to go out with him, then?”_

_It's a simple and straightforward question, and yet it takes Jan a long second to answer. She shrugs, not knowing what to say._

_“Why not?”_

_They look at each other in awkward silence, until Jackie decides to be the one to break it._

_“Have you decided what to wear?” She asks, trying to sound excited for her._

_Jan smiles at her, saying she was about to ask her to come with her to the mall to buy a blouse for her date._

_Jackie listens carefully, all the while realizing something disastrous._

_She is in love with Jan._

* * *

If there's one thing Jan is sure of, it's that she has cousins even in the most remote parts of the world. Her grandfather once told her that when his family was still living in Italy, he had fifteen siblings; seven brothers and eight sisters, and he fell somewhere in the middle. As each one grew up and emigrated to different parts of the world, they always tried to maintain communication.

So when Grandpa Mantione shows up one day, with a letter from his brother Roberto inviting him to the twenty-first birthday of his youngest grandchildren, he takes it for granted that they will _all_ go to Toronto to meet their cousins.

Jan was evaluating how to say no to him in a subtle way, but as soon as he mentioned that they lived in Toronto, she said yes. She wasn't going to waste the opportunity to visit Jackie.

She didn't say anything, she wanted it to be a surprise. And boy it was.

After touring the city with her grandfather and meeting her cousins, Jan sets out in search of Jackie. She searches up her university on Google Maps, and walks with baited breath. She walks until she gets lost on campus and asks the first people she sees for help, picking up her pace to reach the Medicine building with a smile from ear to ear.

Her heart beats in her ears, adrenaline rushes through her veins, and her cheeks turn a crimson color at the thought of being able to hug Jackie, of having her face to face again, of telling her how much she missed her, and then—

—then she sees Jackie in the distance, talking to another student, and Jan wouldn't have paid much attention to it if it weren't for the visible blush on her best friend's cheeks, if it weren’t for the way she laughs and twirls a lock of hair on her index finger. It wouldn't bother her if she weren't watching Jackie flirt with someone else.

Jan gulps, hides behind a wall, and counts to ten.

What was she thinking? That Jackie would wait for her for all of her life? That she wouldn’t flirt with other people? Jan logically understands that Jackie can do whatever she wants with whoever she wants, but, deep down, she always hoped that wouldn’t be the case.

Many things can change in the course of a year, she supposes.

She takes a deep breath, and tries to not let the treacherous tears leave her alone by thinking of happy things. She comes out after a moment, walking towards Jackie, forcing a smile as best she can.

“Jan? What are you doing here?” Jackie's expression brightens when she sees her, and Jan tries not to smile triumphantly when her best friend throws herself into his arms.

* * *

_“I like girls,” Jan says softly, like someone who confesses to her mother that she has broken the vase of flowers on the table, afraid of being scolded. Except she's talking to Jackie, and the park is deserted at these hours._

_Jan tries not to look at Jackie, terrified of what she might find in her eyes. The silence becomes suffocating, heavy with fear, and Jan hopes and prays with all her heart she won’t lose her best friend._

_“Ah, really?” Jackie speaks finally, in a casual tone. Jan nods. “Well, you’re not the only one.”_

_She blinks several times, until she finally registers what Jackie just said._

_“You too?” She screeches in excitement and confusion. Well, this was not expected._

_Jackie chuckles, fiddling with the hem of her sweater fists. Autumn is slowly turning into winter, the days are getting shorter and the night wind freezes the tip of her nose and cheeks. But when she's with Jan, it's hard to notice anything else._

_“I realized it a long time ago, but I never said anything to anyone. There are times when I still try to convince myself I’m straight,” she admits, feeling a weight lift from her shoulders. Well, that is until Jan drops her head on her right shoulder, and Jackie takes a deep breath, trying not to blush._

_“What are the odds that the only lesbians in town became best friends?” Jan says rhetorically, chuckling briefly. Jackie clicks her tongue._

_"We're not the only ones, Jan; I'm sure Carla Taylor is one of us.” The word lesbian still makes her feel uncomfortable, so she doesn't say it. Either way, Jan knows what she means._

_And so, they spend the rest of their time together debating who is and isn't, and Jan feels like everything will be fine from now on._

* * *

Jackie's intention isn’t to stop calling Jan every night, forgetting important dates, and forgetting to reply to Jan's messages; it just _happens_.

Her career consumes most of her time, and on the rare occasions that she has free time, all she wants is to sleep and dream of a world in which she hasn’t given in to pressure from her mother to be a neurosurgeon. She tries to do all she can to keep in touch, but as the months go by, even Jan forgets the anniversary of the day they met.

Now she understands what Jan meant when she said she was afraid of being an adult.

After two years, Jackie finally allows herself to go home for the holidays. She tells Jan by message a few days before her flight, but gets no response. She tries not to think anything bad out of it, she wants to believe that maybe Jan has an important show coming up and hasn't had time to answer messages that aren’t from the people involved in the production. She hopes with all her heart that it’s just that.

The town remains the same, with its snow-blocked streets and hideously bright decorations everywhere.

Her family isn’t Christian, not even close, but Christmas is always a good excuse to get together. Her mother's house remains the same, with the same decorations, photos, and peeling paint. She stands in front of her graduation photo, in front of a younger Jackie, and sighs when she remembers that Jan was making faces behind the camera to make her laugh.

 _Jan_ , she thinks, _Jan. Please don't forget me._

She walks through the familiar streets, through the neighborhood that saw her grow up, in the direction of what became her second home. She tries to not slip up on the ice-covered floor, and doesn't breathe until someone answers the door. Someone who isn’t Jan.

Mrs. Mantione is still the same as always, with only a couple of visible gray hairs and age lines around her eyes. As soon as she sees her, her eyes widen, wrapping her in a hug as she ushers her in before she freezes.

“Is Jan here?” She asks, her voice reminding her of when she was a twelve-year-old girl, new to the country and desperately wishing Jan would be her friend.

Jenna Mantione blinks slowly, frowns, and crosses her arms. “Oh, you didn't know? She moved downtown with her girlfriend, it was more comfortable for her to go to college, or something like that. Do you want the address, honey?”

Jackie doesn't breathe when she hears Jenna say that Jan has a girlfriend—that she lives with her girlfriend. She acts on auto-pilot, nodding, saying please and thank you, walking back home.

She doesn't have the courage to do it, to go see Jan be happy with someone who isn’t her.

Jackie isn’t sure if she’s angry that Jan never told her she was dating someone, that Jan is being happy with someone else, or if the anger is at herself for believing that she has any right to feel angry, when she's not been the best of friends lately.

Maybe it's a bit of everything.

During the time she is home, no message comes from Jan, not even on New Years Eve. Jackie meets up with her old friends from high school, and asks about Jan, trying to sound casual, when in reality she’s dying to know about her.

Widow says she met a French girl at one of the shows she participated in; a makeup artist that has an accent that makes the coldest of persons quiver. Jackie tries to keep her deep horror from showing on her features.

It's New Year's Eve, one of her nephews is running around the house, and Jackie, who agreed to play with him, follows him closely, squealing with excitement and speaking in a childish voice. He stops in front of the wall full of photos, looking with eyes full of innocence at each and every photo. Jackie takes him in her arms so that he can see the ones above more closely.

“Who is she, auntie?” He asks, pointing to a photo that Jackie no longer remembered it even existed.

It's from her sixteenth birthday, she’s in front of her birthday cake and her friends from school are all around her. Jan is by her side, as always, with her trademark Jan smile, and her nephew places a sticky finger over her.

Jackie sighs, smiling with nostalgia.

“A friend from high school, Janice,” she says, remembering how happy she was that day, how her heart raced when Jan gave her a friendship necklace that she still keeps meticulously stored in her favorite jewelry box.

Her nephew asks for the names of all the unfamiliar faces until Jackie decides it’s time to return him with his mother.

* * *

You have to tell her, _Jackie thinks, breathing in Jan's perfume and feeling her heart pound in her ears. The waltz lasts forever, but it's not that she dislikes it._ You have to tell her, because in a month you’ll be a world away and you won’t see her again for a long time.

_She’s had this conversation with herself a million times, ever since she realized she was falling in love with her best friend with each day they spent together. When she decided to come out of the closet with her so she wouldn't feel lonely, when Tommy Baker asked her out and Jan couldn't find the words to tell him he'd rather go out with his sister._

_Technically, today isn’t the last chance she gets to confess her feelings, but there’s something about prom that makes it seem like it is._

_She inhales deeply, her head resting on Jan's shoulder for once, and she feels the words on the tip of her tongue, she can almost taste them, almost—_

_“Ah! Jacks, do you wanna take a picture together? I'm sure the photographer still has some time,” Jan proposes, and Jackie's courage fades._

_She sighs,_ I’ll have another chance _, she tells herself, and nods._

* * *

Nicky is not her happy ending. Jan always knew it, one way or another, but it doesn't mean it hurts any less.

She cries a week straight after Nicky moves out, and her cousin, Luisina, comforts her through memes and photos of her dog Gus. She even invites her to her birthday party, says that she hasn't seen her for months and that she wants to relive her twenty-one-year party, when she met her after hearing about her side of the family for years.

Jan would gladly accept if it weren't for the fact that Luisina lives in the same city as Jackie.

(She still remembers when Jackie promised her that she would come back every summer, every winter break, that she would be back for good when she had her diploma and nothing would ever separate them again. Jackie got her diploma a year ago, and she hasn't shown her face in town since she left.)

She mulls it over more than she usually would, until Luisina tells her that if she doesn't come, she won't ask her to be her maid of honor at her wedding. Jan freezes for a second.

“When did Priyanka propose to you, you rotten lemon!?” She squeals excitedly, and she can almost see Luisina grinning from ear to ear.

In the end, she gives in and books a flight to Toronto as soon as she can. Anxiety is her biggest companion throughout the flight, fiddling with her rings and biting the inside of her cheek until she draws blood.

Luisina awaits her with a bright smile—almost as bright as the engagement ring on her ring finger. She feels only a teeny tiny bit jealous when Luisina tells her everything about her engagement, just a little bit.

Jan could have that with Nicky, if it weren't for the fact that they became different people than they were in college, and as they reached true adulthood they realized that in the long run, things between them wouldn't work out. So it was easier to break up than to keep arguing over things that seemed unimportant, but actually meant everything.

If she thinks about it a little more, she could’ve had a genuine love like Luisina's if she had been honest with Jackie, the last time she saw her in the flesh. Sometimes she wonders if she has someone new in her life, someone who makes her happy as she deserves.

Jan lets the questions go with a couple of shots of tequila on top, and one or two or three sneak touches in her arm from one of Luisina's friends.

* * *

You should tell her _, Jan thinks, suppressing a sigh as she sits in the back of Jackie's truck, like she has so many times._ Graduation is tomorrow, you won’t have such a perfect opportunity again.

_She has known for a long time that the warmth she feels in her chest when she’s with Jackie is not just friendship, that it’s something stronger; it has been there since they met, and it grows more suffocating every day. The words dance on the tip of her tongue, and her feelings escape through her furtive glances._

_She_ must _tell her. If not, she’ll be sorry when Jackie is hundreds of miles away, and their contact becomes scarcer by the day, thanks to the time zone difference and college responsibilities on both ends._

_She opens her mouth a thousand times, but the words don't come out. The courage never comes, and rather sooner than later she admits her defeat. So she crosses her arms and says the first thing that comes to mind when the silence hangs on longer than she wants._

_“Do you ever feel, y’know, scared of the future?”_

* * *

Jackie is no stranger when it comes to weddings—if she tried to count all the weddings she's ever attended, she’ll never finish counting. Her family is that big.

However, the other weddings she went to pale in comparison to Priyanka's.

The wedding of her co-worker, Priyanka, is the event of the year for the hospital. Everyone knows Priyanka, and Priyanka knows everyone; _of course_ her wedding was going to be of colossal proportions. Jackie had taken great care in buying her dress for the party, dragging Scarlett with her to countless boutiques and thrift shops.

Her religion doesn’t allow her to drink alcohol, obviously, and today more than ever she’s happy about it; she doubles over with laughter while recording her co-workers saying a string of stupid things, about her superiors and the health system, as well as other doctors who weren’t invited.

Tynomi asks her to accompany her to the bathroom and she doesn't have time to answer when he's dragging her. She rolls her eyes, annoyed but not really.

She waits for Tynomi outside, checking her Instagram notifications while she does her thing. She’s laughing at a cat meme when she feels someone bump into her.

“I'm sorry,” she says at the same time as the other person, and her eyes widen when she recognizes that voice.

“Jan?” She blinks repeatedly, tilting her head to get a better look at the woman in front of her.

Jan hasn't changed at all, she even looks more mature, having grown out of her baby face. Her hair is in a ponytail and her dress is—it's a bridesmaid's.

“Jackie?” What are you doing here?” Her tone is full of curiosity, euphoria, and a tinge of panic. Jackie still knows her like the back of her hand.

“I could ask you the same thing, but I'm here for Priyanka. We work in the same hospital,” she replies, feeling like this isn't real.

“Oh.” Jan looks at her through narrowed eyes, then looks away somewhere in the room. “I'm here for my cousin Luisina, or Lemon, as they call her, she— this is her wedding.”

The world sure is but a small place.

Jackie forgets about Tynomi until she returns, willing to drag her back to their table, but Jackie says no. She tells her that she wants to talk to her old friend for a while, staring intently at Jan.

She watches her take a deep breath, before spending the night together, just like old times.

They talk about everything. Of the years that have passed, of the silence between the two of them, of how they really don't understand why they stopped talking; _everything_.

There is a waltz. Jan accidentally says that it’s because Luisina saw them together all night and wants to give her a push. Before, Jackie wouldn't ask what he means, but Jackie isn't who she was; she’s already spent enough time dodging questions.

“What do you mean by that? A push for what?” She dares to ask, and her heart leaps at the surprise in Jan's eyes.

Even after all these years, it should surprise her that her feelings for Jan are still intact, but it doesn't, not really.

“Oh, well, Luisina knows I was in love with you when we were teenagers.” Jan looks at her, and her gaze speaks louder than her words. The past tense is out of courtesy.

The revelation, said as if it were nothing, leaves Jackie paralyzed. A powerful blush takes control of her cheeks, but she can't say anything before Jan drags her onto the dance floor. It seems that today is the night where everyone is dragging her.

They don't say a single word, they just dance to the tune, with Jan resting her head on Jackie's shoulder, as they used to do.

Then, Jackie knows what to say for the first time.

“Jan?” She says softly. She feels Jan’s body tense under her arms, but she doesn't move an inch.

“Yes?”

“You're not the only one who has a crush on her best friend from high school.”

Only then, Jan stops in her tracks. She looks up, incredulous, and Jackie sees the question in her eyes—she didn't say _was_ , she said _has_.

Slowly, a smile appears on her face, and she laughs.

“What are the chances that we were in love with each other at the same time and never said anything?”

Jackie laughs too, not because it's funny, but because laughter is the only thing that keeps her from breaking down in tears.

She doesn’t answer; instead, she lifts her chin with her hand and draws her in, giving her the kiss she's dreamed of giving her since they were fifteen. Jan kisses her back, and before they even notice Jan's nude lipstick blends with Jackie's blood red.

The future is uncertain, but for now everything that Jackie needs is in her arms, and she doesn’t plan to let her go a second time.


End file.
